Longboi and the largest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe
or “when a Bye week becomes a year or two”
I wrote my first newsletter last week and then the Queen died. Eesh.
I’m writing this now, on September 11. I fired up Spotify and it suggested Sufjan Stevens. Good Lord, we gotta shift the vibes.
I feel like maybe this week, we could use some silliness.
Too bad, so sad. I’m the one writing this and although I have unlimited stories — most of them are sad! (I’m lying! It gets very cute at the end!)
A few years ago, I spent nearly a year in bed. It might sound intense but it’s not that unusual for me. It’s actually happened a few times for me in my relatively short life.
This particular time, I went to the doctor because I lost 30 lbs in a single summer and found out it was a tumor stealing all my nutrients. I was a new mom so being a shut-in was frankly a pretty seamless transition from staying home with her alone all day anyway. If you’re of the more positive persuasion in life, I apologize already. It gets worse.
While I was in treatment and considered immunocompromised, I spent A LOT of time attempting to flood my own input. What I mean by that is I used information as an opiate. When you’ve been forced to be in stasis, you can’t actually admit to yourself that you’re not really “living”. That’s too existentially damaging, at least in my own experience. To be in your 20s and told you shouldn’t go out or see people or *extend yourself*? It’s enough to crack you wide open.
You might have realized, like I have now in hindsight, that agoraphobia generously offered me a sneak peak into pandemic life. The lockdown wasn’t much of a jump from other times in my life where I was “inside” — whether it was alone in my room as a kid, depressive episodes that lasted months, unemployment, cancer, bedrest during pregnancy, pandemic… she’s the same girl, just a different emotionally-filtered lens.
And so, hyperfixations became like my diet. The only incoming steady stream I could manage tbh.
When I was getting radiation 3x a week, I would watch “QI” on my phone in waiting rooms and recovery suites. I would watch it in bed. A lot in bed.
QI is a British panel show, also known as “Quite Interesting”, hosted by Sandi Toksvig and previously, Stephen Fry. A host in the round surrounded by 3 guests on each side, all from diff walks of life… just riffing.
QI is the perfect show for greedy little researchers such as myself. It’s filled to the brim with factoids. And easily accessible on Youtube or on BBC iPlayer through a VPN. Cant recommend it enough.
I don’t know if it’s the same for folks with healthy brains, but sometimes my brain hears something that I don’t quit understand and holds on to it for days. Sometimes weeks.
I must’ve had QI on in the background when my brain latched on to this one tiny anecdote from Stephen Fry. He mentioned visiting the University of York, in the north of England, once, and his host shared that the campus was home to “the largest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe”.
What? What is that? Why? Who does that?
Hearing that scratched the same itch in my brain that cramming for the Spelling or Geography Bee did when I was younger. The exhaustive need to read an atlas or encyclopedia front to back and recall the best parts from memory out loud to peers or teachers who must have surely looked at me with acute concern.
The largest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe.
That is neat. It’s far away. And it’s just weird enough to catapult me out of this room I’ve been in for months.
And so, when I woke up and right before I went to bed for the next few months, I researched things in and around York. People from there. Whatever.
Did you know Guy Fawkes was born there? Also the Roman Emperor Constantine the Great?
Dame Judi Dench? The guy who wrote Midnight Library (Matt Haig)?
Låpsley? Her music is fantastic and you should give it a listen! Operator and Tell Me the Truth are my faves.
Also, take a look at the world’s most preserved Medieval street: The Shambles! It’s also in York! Ain’t that neat?
I wish there were more to offer in the form of ~neat history~ about the lake itself, but this particular quirky gem is more of a Wikipedia stub. I only know the names of the two dudes who commissioned it to be built and a tiny bit about their hopes for what it would add to the experience of their campus but that is B O R I N G.
It’s called Scullion’s Lake by locals? Ok.
I also learned that since 2015, the University has spent £37,716 scrubbing the bottom of that lane, according to some data obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. Better, but still boring.
I mean, the building next to it is remarkable at least.
Central Hall is an octagonal building that looks like the Starship Enterprise! It used to host concerts before, and this was WILD to me, a Boomtown Rats show got out of hand (bahahahahahaha) in the late 80s and somebody destroyed the orchestra pit????
I always thought Bob Geldof was a “build em up”vs a “tear it down” kind of guy, but you learn something new every day.
(Before I go any farther, you may be asking yourself: what are some of the other largest man made lakes on Earth? I got you, via WorldAtlas: https://www.worldatlas.com/articles/the-largest-man-made-lakes-in-the-world.html)
In summation, she’s a plastic-bottomed drainage basin that is nice to look at and provides habitat to lots of animals. Net positive but not nearly as weird as I wanted for her!
And to add insult to injury, the university used to post a Duck of the Day, spotlighting all the ducks, geese, swans, grebes, moorhens, coots, and herons that lived in the plastic lane but they abandoned regular updates in 2021. Rude.
I didn’t need to know any of this. But, it fit neatly into pockets in my mind and served a mundane but powerful purpose for me when I needed it. I suspect most of us have our own eccentric gathering techniques for dopamine, but many of you are smarter than me and refuse to let the center collapse in on yourself while becoming too meta.
I’m better now.
I can write now about how bleak my time “inside” must have appeared from the outside only because there is such a shift for me. I feel like I’m on the opposite bank of a river and I know I’m never crossing back over.
Will I always struggle with agoraphobia? Sure, probably. I bet I’ll probably be sick again one day in the distant future and be stuck in bed all over again. I don’t plan it though.
The ceaseless trudging of having to be alive every day in stasis in something with it’s own unique weight, flavor and synesthesia to me… so mercifully I can now detect and destroy very easily from this side of the bank.
You good ? We’re good.
To make sure we all leave with a least a few good chemicals today, read this and come back. I’ll wait.
I was missing my Duck of the Day updates one morning a few days ago, and found something exponentially better. SO MUCH BETTER.
A student on the University of York’s campus started posting daily pics of this BIG OLE DUCK that lived in the lake. A genuine LONG DUDE.
Like he’s real, real tall. The kids on campus claimed his name was Longboi and that he was over a meter tall. I don’t use the metric system, so that could mean literally anything y’all. Sounds big?
One kid even said that duck was “the largest mallard duck to ever live”. That’s one STRETCHED BOI.
I love a good boast. LOVE. I don’t believe this duck is the tallest boy to ever live, even for a second. He is huge in his own way though and deserves some clout for it!!! He’s the /biggest\ duck on the /largest\ plastic-bottomed lake in Europe, and that’s enough!
A cross between a mallard and an Indian running duck, Long Boi stands upright like a penguin and runs(!) rather than waddling.
Quite terrifying to visualize, honestly?
Since then, Long Boi has spent some time on the Twitter trending page while his sheer size - 70cm in length from beak to toes to be exact - has seen him photoshopped next to the Eiffel Tower.
There was also a rumor that he was someone’s pet that got ditched on campus after getting too big.
That’s awful, but the campus is home to all kind of wildlife and honestly sounds like a Beatrix Potter book. Just search “University of York campus tour” and every video features adorable rabbits and ducks all along the students’ walk to class.
That’s nice.
I’m happy for Longboi. Good for him. We love happy endings.
Y’all have a good week and go follow that duck on Instagram (@longboiyork). Or buy some of it’s merch. It’s a real thing!